The Art Of Healthy Boundaries
During these shorter days and cold, long nights, many of us are spending our evenings getting cozied up in our sweaters or blankets and possibly thinking about the upcoming holidays. While some of that might give you the warm fuzzies, thinking about the holidays can also stir feelings of stress and anxiety. Whether dinner parties, company events, or family dinners with not-often-seen family members, these opportunities can be a great time to connect and feel the holiday spirit. Annddd they can also open us up to difficult people and difficult situations that can cause us to feel overwhelmed or even lead to emotional shutdown at a time of year we might like to otherwise enjoy.
When you think about navigating your relationships both at home and work, do you feel heard? Do you notice that you’re overextending yourself? Do you “take it” from difficult people because you think there’s no point even trying? With the holidays fast approaching, a gift we can give ourselves and share with others is the gift of healthy boundaries.
For me, I have had all of those festive feelings of joy and closeness nestled right up alongside feelings of overwhelm and fear of disappointment. I found myself noticing patterns of how I responded, how others responded to me, and stories I was making up about the people and situations around me—it didn't feel particularly good, and it certainly wasn’t of service to me or my mental health. I can tend toward people-pleasing, and I have some solid co-dependent tendencies due to my upbringing and environment. Knowing I wanted to make some changes, I tried to be realistic in that, while I probably couldn't make a 180° change, I believed I could move the needle in the right direction, even if only slightly.
When I started down this path of learning, a big theme that surfaced was BOUNDARIES, specifically my lack of them in various manifestations. I gave too much energy away, I overcompensated, I hustled too hard. I started by doing some reading on the subject and began going to THERAPY (still going cause it's amazing). Over time I’ve learned some valuable information about what boundaries are and how they have helped me feel like a more sane person in my daily life.
So what are boundaries?
Positive Psychology.com states that boundaries define what is appropriate behavior in our various relationships – behavior that keeps both parties safe.
Our lives are an intricate map of human relationships and healthy boundaries act as a safe and sustainable direction for which way to go. Boundaries shield us from emotional harm and foster an environment of genuine connection by giving us clarity surrounding what behavior and situations we will allow into our lives—allowing us to live more freely when within the confines of or our boundaries.
Healthy boundaries get us where we need to go and keep us out of areas that we have no business going. Many of us, myself very much included, find ourselves struggling to know where to set a boundary, what it looks like, and what is realistic when framing the expectations of boundary setting. I know I was afraid of displeasing others, experienced (and still do sometimes) guilt at the thought of saying "no," or even feel a compulsion to constantly prioritize others' needs over my own. The result? Burnout and resentment.
Boundaries are going to look very different in different contexts. Boundaries with your children are going to be very different than boundaries with a co-worker or partner.
At its core, healthy boundary-setting involves communicating our limits, needs, and expectations with clarity and confidence. At the same time, we allow others to make their own choices and we decide if that action or behavior fits within our boundaries. Unfortunately, the inability to establish these boundaries can leave us vulnerable to an overwhelming sense of being taken advantage of by others. When we lack assertiveness and fail to set boundaries, people may perceive us as pushovers, leading them to disrespect our time, emotions, and personal space.
The inability to say "no" stems from the fear of disappointing others and thus feeling separate-from vs feeling a part-of, but it ultimately leads to disappointing ourselves and, often, the things most important to us. This constant imbalance can negatively affect our sense of self-worth, perpetuating a cycle of unhappiness and emotional distress—for me, that was definitely the case.
What Boundaries are NOT:
Control of Others: Boundaries are not about controlling others. Your boundaries do not get to dictate someone else’s behavior, period. And that’s a HARD pill to swallow. Boundaries create clear definitions around what behavior you are willing to accept into your life, but they do not ever control others. You cannot create a boundary that says “I have a boundary that you must behave in this way.” You can, however, create a boundary for yourself and communicate to others any consequences associated with a transgression, but their behavior is their choice—what behavior your allow into your life is yours.
Instant Respect or Compliance: One unrealistic expectation is that setting a boundary will immediately lead to others respecting and complying with it. While clear communication is crucial, people may not always understand or respect your boundaries right away. It might take time for them to adjust to the new boundaries and internalize the importance of respecting them.
Unanimous Agreement: Expecting everyone to agree with and support your boundaries is unrealistic. People have different perspectives, needs, and boundaries themselves. It's essential to recognize that not everyone will share the same values or understand the reasons behind your boundaries. Some individuals may push back or feel uncomfortable with the changes and that's okay.
Absence of Negative Reactions or Pushback: Setting boundaries might evoke negative reactions from others, such as frustration, disappointment, or even anger. Some people might view your boundaries as a personal rejection or a change in the dynamics of the relationship. It's unrealistic to assume that boundary setting will always be met with positive responses.
Set in Stone: Life is dynamic and circumstances evolve over time. What might have been an appropriate boundary in one situation may not be suitable in another. Expecting your boundaries to remain rigid and unchanged forever is unrealistic. Flexibility and openness to reevaluating boundaries when necessary are essential for healthy relationships.
Psychically Known by Others: Assuming that others will automatically understand your boundaries without explicit communication is unrealistic. People are not mind-readers, and expecting them to intuitively know your limits can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. It's crucial to express your boundaries clearly and assertively.
Now that you understand a bit more about their importance as well as what boundaries are NOT, you might be wondering how you can go about setting some for yourself. Here are three steps toward creating healthy boundaries.
Three Steps to Creating Healthy Boundaries:
Reflect on Your Needs and Values: The first step towards setting healthy boundaries is gaining a deeper understanding of your needs and values. Take some time for introspection and self-reflection. Getting outside help, reading or listening to audiobooks (while cooking dinner or cleaning the toilet, not joking), consult ingwith friends or colleagues who you admire and feel inspired by. Consider what truly matters to you in both your professional and personal life. Identify the areas where you feel stretched too thin—dont rush here. What do you love doing and are you getting to do it? Do you pine for a decent home cooked meal? Really dig here. Where do you feel taken for granted? Pinpoint the activities or situations that drain your energy and leave you feeling depleted.
Recognizing your limits and values will guide you in establishing clear boundaries that align with your well-being and aspirations. Embrace the fact that it's okay to say "no" to certain requests or commitments that do not serve your greater goals or values. As they say, “Your lack of preparation is not my emergency.”
Not sure where to start? Check out our blog on discovering your personal core values here.
A good litmus test for if a boundary might need to be created: Would I be truly ok if this situation or behavior continued EXACTLY as it is, without change, forever? If you can’t tread the water forever, there’s a good chance you need to take a look at the situation.
Communicate Clearly and Assertively (yet compassionately and with diplomacy): Effective boundary setting revolves around clear and assertive communication. Once you have a solid understanding of your boundaries, it's crucial to express them confidently to those around you, whether it's colleagues, superiors, family members, or friends.
At work, be assertive about your workload and deadlines, and communicate openly with your team about what you can realistically accomplish. Don't hesitate to ask for help or delegate tasks when necessary. Establish designated work hours and avoid taking on additional responsibilities outside of those times.
At home, communicate with your family members or roommates about your need for personal time and space. Discuss household responsibilities and establish a fair division of tasks. Be transparent about your schedule, so everyone is aware of your availability and can respect your boundaries.
Practice Self-Care and Stay Consistent: Creating healthy boundaries is an ongoing process that requires dedication and self-awareness. Prioritize self-care to maintain the resilience needed to enforce your boundaries effectively.
At work, take regular breaks during the day to recharge and avoid burnout. Use your time off wisely to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. In your personal life, make time for hobbies, exercise, and quality time with loved ones.
Be consistent with your responses! It isn’t a boundary if you set it yet then repeatedly remind others about it, allowing things back into your life.
Remember that setting boundaries is a journey for both you and the people around you. It requires patience, understanding, and open communication.
